Lani · Land

Well as I said Sean and i got together today. The day started out a little rocky for me because i was really sick to my stomach and it made karate a pain to go through plus i got a few of his things together to give back ie his tie from prom, his gym shorts i wore a few times and the jacket he gave me that i slept in a lot during the school year plus i had gotten up like two hours earlier than normal so i could look half way decent. And so i picked him up after karate of course after changing in to a skirt which ended up being too big in the waist darn stress weight loss lol. anyway so the car ride was ok we talked on the way there nothing too important just how our days were then when we got to my house we sat and talked for hours we were going to play pool but ended up just talking, and i really enjoyed myself we actually ended up staying like an hour longer than expected. it was really good we covered all the topic and then some, and it was just good we laughed a lot and i teased him about being being a pedofile since his new gf is only a junior lol and we talked about serious stuff like what we thought each other could improve on in relationships and what we would miss the most. and now I feel better about how things are with him, and i feel more ready to leave on sunday well kind of i still don't really want to go. I think things are going to be good though. and afterwords i was in a good enough mood to get my school shopping done with my mom and i actually ate dinner. it was a good day and i'm so happy things are good with Sean. Well that's all for now -Lani

PS I DIDN'T CRY!!!

PPS Please don't pop my happy bubble with some comment about how i shouldn't have seen him or the like. let me enjoy my happiness!!!

Well *sigh* ok i was talking with a friend who spoke directly to the girl Sean was supposedly dating that they were going out that it had been for a few days and that they have been "kissing and stuff" and so horriblly hurt i sent him a text "i really hate be bothering you but i need to know if you've been lying to me b/c i've been defending you hardcore and now i'm told by someone who talk to her that you two have been going out for a few days and i do not want to look like some stupid pathetic fool"

his reply was "no not completely i kinda started out helping her but now it is probably more"

i replied "according to her friend she's been under the impression that you two were bf and gf for a few days now... can you please tell me whats going on so i stop lookin pathetic trying to tell ppl ur not a liar when our stories don't match up"

his reply "so yea they are right i just kinda stretch the truth yes, but i am tired of hurting you yes i could have handled it a little bit better yes... Yep i am dating her there you go."

So there it is i appologize to those of you i told were wrong that i thought i knew when he was lying. But i do not appologize for pushing that he is still a good person he's no better or worse than any of us and i would still appreciate it if people don't slam him in their comments or messages to me. i am upset that he lied to begin with but because his primary reason was not to hurt me i can deal with this and even if i'm wrong please let me have this little bit of blissful ignorance... i beg you. Also when he and i spoke earlier we agreed to meet i'm hoping it'll be good and that if i do cry its just over the fact that i have to leave for college so soon. Please be supportive in this since i probably will not see him again for a really long time because of school. Well that's all for now *Sigh* -Alana

Ok well i just talked to him and he said that it wasn't meant to be serious just because the girl was being silly and needed some help getting some guy off her back and no he has not gotten over me that easily (his words not mine). And he promised he wasn't lying and said that he would tell me if he does decide to get in a relationship with in the next month after that i'll hopefully be over this enough to be able to handle it with grace wow nothing like an emotional rollercoaster that was totally unnecessary damn you facebook damn you! Oh but after talking to him and still hearing the disdain in his voice while talking to me or at the prospects of me wanting to talk/text him later i've decided to be fair and give him his space to move on i just hope i can stay true to my word and be strong enough to do so. Well since i'm still in a kind of decent mood i'm going to go to bed. That's all for now -Lani

Well its been about two and a half. the rest of the day he broke up with me was horrible i cried the whole time i couldn't sleep. even though i agreed not to talk to him i gave in and texted him "i'm sorry i'm weak i just wanted to say good night and ask if you were alright" i failed the first time i tried to go to sleep he gave me a picture recently something i had wanted and now i had to turn it facedown because the sight of it hurt me tremendously i flipped my ring around a few times my claddagh, i took my necklace off, and after watching tv talking online and crying a whole lot more i went to bed.

the next morning i texted him saying "sorry i don't think i can wait til sunday i really need to talk please call" and he did and we had a good conversation and things were good for a while then my mood started to dip again so i took a nap and then my dad called and said he was bring james over so great i had to deal with that so i went to my room and i don't know what set me off again but i was crying maybe it was the fact that i couldn't be alone and deal with all this and my dad came knocking on my door being silly saying he wanted to show me his new camera, i opened the door and told him and didn't hold the tears back very well, and really just closed the door and stayed in my room for a long while. then things were better later and i sat in the living room for a while and then my mom came home and she asked what she missed and she knew about what was going on and even though the question was directed at James i still had a horrible time keeping back the tears she and i talked a little bit and that's about it. later i talked to Sean a little bit after being weepy again in my room and my conversation with him was pretty good i was still sad going to bed though and had a hard time falling asleep

This morning i woke up rather depressed and debated whether or not i wanted to call him so after a while i texted him asking if he was free and he called and we talked and it really wasn't a very good conversation because i didn't really have a whole lot to say i asked more questions about the whole deal and it didn't really get me anywhere and after talking a little bit it became painful obvious that he did not want to be talking to me. And that hurt so much and he has said previously that he's talking to me to help me get over my hump and then after that he doesnt want to talk as much to try and get over things himself... you'll see why later i have trouble believe he's having a hard time at all. And well i cried all morning after he kind of sort of said he might call me later that night i'm not expecting anything. and then after crying for a while my mom tried to get me to go to the mall and i really didn't want to but i finally gave in after several people encouraged me to do so. so i did and it was painful at first because we went to the mall Sean and i went to a lot then we went walked around and i got a new music bag which is really pretty and brightened my day up quite a bit and we left the mall after a few more stops and i was fine for a while.

I chatted with people and i was in a fairly good mood for a while... then a friend IMed me and said something along the lines of "i can't believe he's already dating someone i'm so freaking mad at him brb i need to take a shower" ... yeah... shocked i went to facebook and there it was on his profile clear as day "in a relationship" and all the progress i made shattered into a million tiny pieces at first i was crying more because i was shocked and hurt that he could do it so fast and then because it was just another thing that i was finally starting to see a flicker of light that i could possible get through this and he blew that candle out. and i've cried on and off for the rest of the evening i talked to people online i talked to my mom which helped a lot and i'm just so stunned and hurt...so so very hurt. I just wish he could have given me the smallest little warning that this could happen. When he was breaking up with me i asked if there was someone he had feelings for and he said "kind of" i asked if it was the girl he is currently in a relationship with and he said "yes" but i thought it was just a mild intrigue that their relationship wasnt far enough along that he would go out with her so soon. but god i was wrong here i am struggling to cope with all this pain and make it through the day without crying so hard i want to throw up and he is off dating someone else. and to make all of this worse... i'm not mad... i don't hate him... i can't bring myself to be angry with him for hurting me hurting me worse than i have ever hurt before. So bad that i would go through another chemo treatment just so i didn't have to feel this way anymore. right now all i can do is hope and pray this gets easier that i can somehow be ok again. As of right now i could do without ever being in a relationship again if it will keep me from ever feeling this pain again. I've loved and i've lost and i'm done. well at least this is about as bad as it can get as far as what he can do to me to make me hurt even more. God i feel so pathetic why can't i be more than just "upset" with him? well i'm sure there's going to be more to come i'll write when that happens -Alana

PS i wanted to thank everyone who has been so supportive of me i don't know where i'd be right now without all of you

This will be brief because i'm still in shock and hurting.

last night sean wasn't returning my texts from like 2 til 9 then when we did talk he was short and said he didn't want to talk tonight and when he did say good night he didn't say he loved me so i had a feeling that he was having issues again... i hate being right.

I called when i woke up and oddly woke him as well i took a shower waited a little bit and he came over i kissed him hello and he hugged me and said "we need to talk" to which i replied "do i need to punch you in the face?" and we went into the other room and he laid his cards out on the table saying he doesn't love me like he used to that i always seem to be moody or sad that he doesnt' think we have enough in common and i dont' want to do the same things he does that i'm controlling sometimes and several other little things. And so i cried for three hours or so and he held me and tried to leave two or three times but stopped when i couldn't keep from sobbing so hard i thought i was either going to pass out of throw up. he finally did leave and he gave me a hug and one last kiss and he left. and now i'm going to go cry some more its like something i held so dear to me just suddenly died. i think i'm going to be ok but right now its not good... i'll write more when i can -Alana

July 13th: Alana is insanely happy and joyous and extremely in love with someone besides the inventor of ear plugs. Well to the last part first, i mentioned before that my mom and dad bought me ear plugs to see if it helped me sleep since my new dog is yappy and they are wonderful! And now to the rest and probably more interesting part. I was talking with Sean on Sunday and the topic of our situation came up. and he said he had been thing so i'm sitting there thinking god what now? and he proceeded to say "haha well you know I have just been thinking about you and everything and of course her and the more and more I thought about it I came to realize my feelings first off whenever I kissed you I felt complete when I kissed her it was just enjoyable and whenever I fool around with you it was not just physically fun but emotionally great as well her not so much and now I am picturing my life with you and living with you for the rest of it and it sounds amazing as for her I dont think I would ever be able to trust her not to cheat as well as anything else whenever I am with you or talking to you I am just happy and nothing else matters other than you are happy" yes and that is a direct quote god it made me so happy to hear and i was all giggley and squealing girlishly luckily he couldn't hear or see me lol then i asked him what exactly that made us, and he said that although he still has the desire to fool around just as much as the next guy, he is very willing to be exclusive with me. I melted i wanted to cry and hold him and kiss him he made me so happy. If only we were closer i miss him so much and i really need that physical reassurance only he can give me. I really hope i'm able to go up and visit him this sunday if not i have to wait til the 26th and i'd hate doing that. I want and need to spend as much time with him as possible since i leave the 10th for school *sigh* I'm so happy now with my relationship and i can't wait to spend as much time together with him as humanly possible. Well that's all for now

-Lani

Well i got a comment saying that someone was intrigued by my facebook statuses so i'll go through a some of them and explain them just because it sounds like a new format for a change.

July 2nd: Alana is really happy and hopes there are no more surprises for a while.
Sean tried to break up with me a week after the first time. well he was still not sure what he wanted and when we talked some more and i basically gave the same arguements as before emphasising that if breaking up with me was the right thing to do he would not feel like he was being torn apart by it and after a little while of talking he said he was an idiot for trying to throw away one of the greatest things that has happened in his life (i'm paraphrasing of course)

July 4th: Alana had a wonderful day with Sean. (and later) Alana is disappointed.
Well Sean and i got together earlier that day and spent lunch time together and walked around the mall a little bit, and it was fun and i really enjoyed myself and i ran into Shawn and his gf which was fun and unexpected. And he had planned to go to his friend's house to do fireworks but said that if i wanted he wouldn't go and that he would like to be able to spend it with me but his friend could only have so many ppl over. So when his friend couldn't have ppl over because of drama with his mother or something along those lines i was excited because remembering him wanting to be with me i thought "yay an opportunity to spend more time with him before he leaves on Sunday for his 3 week program at Rolla. But sadly he ended up saying that he wanted to spend the time with his friends. And althought i was REALLY upset about it i let it go, because knowing how painful that transition to college is i knew he didn't need anymore drama so i let it go.

July 5th: Alana is addicted to cinnamon sugar toast
Well yes i am its delicious but between the lines you'd see that i am really drowning my worries and sorrows in the toast because it was the day before Sean had to go and it was very sad because i know he was still troubled about leaving and wasn't sure about what he wanted. and i did my best to make things easy for him and be there for him

July 6th: Alana hopes he's having a good time. (and later) Alana is thinking "and so it begins"
The first one is right after he left it was hard seeing him go but i held it together a lot better than i thought i would lol i really love him and i'm excited that he got to go through the starting college thing i remember being so scared and excited for it. And the other part is about starting my diet which is going not so great i just i dunno i suck at the whole diet thing i wish i had someone making me eat what i should but because of my gym class and karate i've certainly been active so we'll see

July 7th: Alana wishes she had unlimited texting. (and) Alana wants to chat with someone.
Just me being whiney about not getting to talk to Sean as much as i'd like, but my dad upgraded my texts to 1500 YAY! we'll see how that goes

July 8th: Alana wants a good night's sleep for a change (and) Alana wishes she got more emails. (and a little later) Alana is giddy over the email she got.
The first one is like 3 in the morning because it was right before bed and buddy our new dog is pretty yappy at night, but he's getting better and my mom and dad both got me ear plugs lol since i'm the only one he seems to wake up. the second one was because i woke up and checked my mail and was sad because i had been writing sweet little emails to Sean saying that i hoped he had a good day and that i missed him and all that jazz, but hadn't gotten more than two sentences back and none at all that morning, so i was sad. Then like a few minutes later i talked to him and he said that he had sent me an email and hadn't seen my status lol very serendipitous and it was long and sweet and made me so happy thus the last status. at one point he said "So yea the people here are great the only thing that I could complain about is the lack of girls but when you have someone amazing back in kirkwood standing by your side that just does not affect you" that was so great to hear

July 10th: Alana is frustrated with Facebook's IM. (later) Alana is a little out of sorts. (and later) Alana is happy she got to talk to him
Well i was talking to my friend from CMU and i had been for a few days and he invited me to come visit him and probably fool around to make a long story short and whilst trying to talk to him Facebook IM kept cutting out on us saying that he or i was offline when we weren't, it was very frustrating. the 2nd status is about how i honestly wasn't sure if i was really into that because it felt wrong to still be so in love with Sean and go and fool around with another guy. Perhaps if it was just a circumstance kinda deal where we're hanging out and one thing leads to another but to plan seeing each other and most likely fool around something about it just felt kind of slutty and just plain off. Then the last status was about me getting to talk to Sean he called and we talked for a while about all that was going on with me and my friend and how it just felt off and it was just an amazing conversation and made me very happy and content with everything with Sean. It just made me happy. And what was odd during the time he was gone i was oddly content, perhaps because i knew he was having a good time and all that jazz, i'm not entirely sure

July 11th: Alana is still addicted to cinnamon sugar toast. (and later) Alana is disappointed and moody (and later) Alana doesn't know what to think or feel anymore.
The first part is evidence that my diet has not been going well *sigh* so very frustrating and depressing. 2nd part i had planned to go eat at my dad's house because he was making this vege pizza thing but he said he'd was going to get burger instead and well lets just say my diet isn't going THAT bad, so i was frustrated that he screwed with my dinner plans. and then the third part *sigh* he and i were talking online and i was hoping that he'd make me happier because he's usually pretty good at that but he said he was stressed out because he'd been thinking a lot. So i of course want to help so i told him to tell me about it. Well basically he's not sure if he has feelings for the girl he fooled around with the gorgeous one i mentioned in previous entries and that he's not sure if its romantic feelings or brotherly feelings because he's worried about what her activities and such and he wasn't completely happy with the fact that she had a few fuck buddies she was seeing. And he wasn't sure if he'd want to explore things exclusively with her if it was romantic and AH! So i'm sitting there in the living room watching tv with my mom while he tells me this online, so i go into my room so i'm free to cry, and online i am supportive and being a good friend instead of screaming (or online i guess it would be Caps Locking him) about how he need to get his shit together and stop putting me through this pain. I mean i've gone through some shit but it really tears me apart to hear stuff like this and this more so than the others because before he was telling me that he knows he wants me in his life either exclusively or in an open relationship and now it feels he's may just throw me out all together, i mean i know we'd still be friends, but fuck! Part of me wants to say fuck this you can't go through this pain again and what if even if he chooses you this time to say that he won't put you through it again. When he tells me these things i feel sick and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach and my palpitations act up it makes me physcially ill as well as kills me emotionally. But another part of me and a larger stronger part is telling me to suck it up let him work this out its no easier on him and that he is worth fighting for. I just worry that i'm going to do something or say something to upset him that will make him decide against me. Then at the end of this i asked if this had been why he hadn't replied to my texts about how badly i wanted to kiss him, and he said no that he feels complete when he kisses me and that he really truely loves me. And there i am at the end and i seriously half laughed to myself thinking wow this is sure a hell of a way to prove that to me. and although i really really really want to believe that i am still truely hesitant to do so. *sigh* we talked again and it didn't really get us much further but it was a decent and mildly happy conversation

July 12th: Alana is feeling a bit better about her situation.
It true i was maybe just because i had time to think about it and it wasn't a fresh wound anymore, but it is still painfully nagging at me.

Well that's about all and i know its a lot, but i'm sure there is still a lot more to come he and i have a lot to talk about tonight when he calls. Well that's all for now though

-Lani

Ok so an update on my relationship situation. Let me start off by saying it is soooooo much better. On saturday i anxiously awaited his return and we texted on his way back, and he said he had gotten my text that i think i sent Thursday saying that i wanted to talk to see where he stood on a few things. So on his way home he asked what it was about and i just told him we'd talk after he got home and i mentioned later on that i had written a lj entry. And a little while later he texted "Alana you know i love you" and it was so sweet but i really needed to hear him say it in person to 100% fully believe because even though i was awwwing on the outside on the inside i was thinking "i wish i did know for certain" i was also kinda confused as to how that seemed really intuned with what was bugging me and just kinda guess he had talked with the gorgeous girl i mentioned previously who i talked to friday evening although he denied the claim.

Once he got home i helped him unpack a little and he took a shower for the first time in three days lol then he gestured for me to go upstairs with him and he asked me to sit kinda confused and slightly anxious i wondered why he wasn't sitting next to me because i had told him i wanted to talk about his trip first. He said (and i'm paraphrasing)that he really did love me that his love for me hadn't changed at all and what really got me was that he was willing to keep our relationship exclusive if that is what would make me happy because i should never feel so discontented over our relationship. It was all so genuine that i almost cried. Then to lighten the mood i said "so i'm guessing you read my lj. I was wondering what took you so long to get dressed" and he said that he actually read it on his phone on the drive home (i'm so jealous of his phone btw it can do everything arg) it made me so happy that he was willing to make our relationship exclusive, but i knew he would be happier with the opportunity to have physical relations with others so i said it was ok as it was as long as he still loves me as genuinely as he does and we added a new clause to our fool around agreement that on top of we have to use condoms, and tell the other person about it, it is preferred that we meet the other person as well. After cuddling for a long time i guess he was pent up after 3 days of no action so we had sex and it was AMAZING!!! i love orgasms *giggles* i just have to remember what i did to get myself off because goodness it was good.

Ok back to the emotional stuff. As far as the agreement goes i am happy on some level. there were several occasions at college where i would have liked to be able to fool around with other people, but on another level i am uneasy about the whole deal. I worry that he's going to enjoy someone else more. That he's going to really enjoy it, but when i fool around with others that its going to feel wrong like it did that time with M. The time when sean and i had gone back to friends with benefits and it made me realize that i really did want to be with him. I just get so paranoid i hate it. When we were out today i hated the feeling that he was lusting after other girls even though i was right there, and more so that he may have wanted to act on those feelings. I'm not sure under this agreement i'll ever be 100% certain of his love for me for more than 24 hours after being with him. When i am with him just little tiny things he does makes me glow inside like if he brushes my hair out of my face or catches my eye then smiles like he and i'm the only one there. The way he puts his arm around me makes me feel so desired and god when he tells me he loves me... i'm at a loss for words to describe how cared for, how special, how giddy it makes me feel, and for someone who loves words as much as i do that's saying something very big. And yet even now although i spent half the day with him i feel lonely and in need of reassurance. I hate that i need someone else's presence to make myself completely happy. But and this is a big but... with that insecurity comes a love for someone i have never experienced before and would do everything within my power even do things that make me slightly uncomfortable just to keep. I want to keep him happy and god i want this love forever, and i'm not sure there is anything he could do to reassure me in an open relationship like this. So even though i want to give this agreement a try i'm still not sure how far i should bend backwards before i let my body cramp up on me. Will i be able to tell him that it all feels wrong if/when it does?

Well i have a lot to mull over. So til next time. -Lani

ok well my summer has been eventful.

Random: My summer history class fell through because i was unaware of the start date which was like three days after i got back so i had to withdraw from that class. My gym class is fine though. But i've lost no weight at all and its so frustrating i feel so fat. We also got rid of Duncan and got a new dog a poodle mix named Bud "Buddy" Fuddernuddler (its a Dr. Seuss character from Say can you say) what else he's a hassle but i think with training he'll come along. I started Karate again that's good. I still suck at sparring though. Hmm what else as far as random i think that's fine. Prom was enjoyable i loved my dress Sean made it such a wonderful evening that ended in us having sex with me wearing my tiara and his tie lol it was great

Family: My mom has really been on my case she says i have a superiority complex and thinks i'm a horrible person for despising my brother. I'm sorry he's a cruel bastard he has good moments but they are few and far between. He broke his hand yesterday i believe because he punched something. Dora and the kids are good. As is my dad.

Sean: Ok now this one is rough. We were going great i thought i was happy he seemed to be happy. Then we ended up fooling around with two other girls that was kinda awkward and made me feel a little insecure afterwards because i know he kinda has the hots for one of them and i don't blame him she's gorgeous. He assured me though that he still loved me and all that good stuff. Then on Monday he wrote a note saying he was wrestling about a decision, but in it it also stated that he wouldn't change his situation for the world (i'm paraphrasing btw) so i shook off my paranoia... Then that evening we talked on the phone the topic of him thinking about breaking up with me came up and i asked if he was still thinking about it even though in the back of my mind i was thinking oh don't be stupid everyone has their insecure moments i'm sure it came and passed and he still wants to be with you... but when he was silent for a few seconds i knew. i knew like i knew the moment Mitch was going to break up with me and with Z was going to break up with me, only this time i felt physically ill. i said "oh my god you want to break up with me" And i just started sobbing and i couldn't stop and he said that he didn't want to do this over the phone that he wanted to talk in person we talked for a while i calmed down for a little and would randomly start sobbing again mostly when i thought about how i had lost my virginity to him. he never gave me a definitive answer as to whether or not he was sure he wanted to break up he said that before he had been pretty sure but after talking to me he wasnt so sure anymore. So we agreed to meet on tuesday the next day. so we hung up and for the first time in a really long time we didn't say we loved each other. So i cried for a while, and finally fell asleep i woke up several times sick to my stomach. I finally gave up sleeping around 5-5:30 i did a few things to keep myself occupied, then at 7 i called the ortho and changed James' appointment because after that was when Sean and i were going to meet so i took james and called Sean he came over and we talked for a while. I cried a lot. His main reason for wanting to break up was he (and i'm paraphrasing again) wanted to not be tied down to someone in college, he wanted to be able to explore things with other ppl and explore himself because he wanted to find himself some more, but he still loved me. And i was sitting there thinking and sobbing of course that despite the fact that he said he loved me that i meant the world to him that in his note he said he didn't want to change his situation for the world he wanted to break up. In desperation i suggested an open relationship where he and i would have an emotional relationship and we would be able to explore thing physically with other people as long as we're smart about it and as long as we let each other know. We still talked for a while and he still hadn't decided whether he wanting to completely break up with me or not and he wanted to still be friends and potential date in the future, so i was falling apart although at that point i had stopped feeling like i was going to throw up. We talked for a while longer and we were lying down next to each other i had calmed down a bit and we were just talking, and he said "you want to know what i think about an open relationship?" i nodded and said yes and he started kissing me and i felt so relieved that i wasn't going to lose him.

And i was fine for a while, that whole day, and a bit of the next, but then paranoia set in again, and he left for a float trip so i haven't been able to talk to him (i'm actually currently house sitting for him) i worry that he doesn't really love me like he used to. I worry that i'll never completely be enough for him. I want him all to myself but i worry that if i tell him he'll want to leave. At moments i'm fine with the situation like i know he wants to have... relationships with the gorgeous girl we fooled around with before but i worry that he'll find something wrong with me and want to find better else where. Someone commented on an entry from about 9.5 months ago and i reread the entry and it was the day he said he loved me. I remember how happy and content i was that day. how nothing could have been better. And as i sit her and sob for who knows what number in the last 6 days alone in the den of my boyfriend's house while he's away probably not having a care in the world on a canoe trip with his dad i wonder what changed? Why is this happening? What does he want? Why despite the fact that i've felt more grief in this week than i can ever remember do i still love him so much it hurts? And i wonder if he still really totally and completely loves me like he did on that day in September? He is the most wonderful thing in my life. i can't see a world where i can't go to be in his arms for comfort as he kisses the top of my head and tells me its going to be ok.

I'm hopefully going to talk to him tomorrow. I really need answers and hopefully some security and stability. Until next time, and hopefully a happier time that's all for now -Lani

Sorry people I've been getting a lot of requests for an update. I promise it will come soon i've been crazy busy. Between school, karate, and spending as much time with Sean i've only had the late hours to myself. In the next few days i should have some time for quiet, hopefully i'll be able to give a good update before the weekend is over. Sorry to keep you all waiting. -Lani

1) What did you wake up to this morning?
hit the snooze button

3) What are you doing tonight?
after this sleep, maybe take a shower... maybe

4) What was the last thing you did?
read other ppls blogs

5) What are you wearing right now?
a tank top a bra and panties

6) Who can you tell anything to?
Sean and Shawn

7) Do you know anyone named Peter?
... actually no i don't... does peter pan count?

8) Who was your last phone call with?
Sean

9) What's the last thing you said?
Night, honey

10) How's life?
Uber stressful

11) When's the last time you were in a hospital?
hmmmm for some drs appointment probably, maybe to get pills, i'm there a little too much

12) Why?
get pills or check up at my thyroid dr, and my cancer dr

13) Have you ever thrown up?
sadly

14) What food could you eat everyday?
carbs... chocolate, mild, yummyness

15) Do you love anyone who's name starts with an L?
ummmmmm no i don't think so

16) Are you happy?
not entirely

17) Are you excited about anything?
My bf is visiting friday and the play starts thursday

18) What makes you happy in life?
Sean and chocolate and sleep

19) What were you doing at 3 in the morning?
Sleeping i think

20) Do you have any text messages saved on your phone?
not on my new one

21) Who are they from?
NA

22) What do they say?
NA

23) Do you enjoy life?
Yes when it doesn't suck

24) One word about yourself?
Stressed

25) Would you take a bullet for anyone?
yes

26) What are you listening to?
nothing

27) Do you like it?
its not bad

28) Have you ever taken medicine that wasn't prescribed to you?
yes

29) Are you surprised about something?
not really

30) Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
probably

31) Do you feel bad because someone doesn't like you?
not really

32) In your household who do you fight with the most?
my brother

33) Do you like anyone?
yes very much so

34) What's the worst thing about hugs?
when the person is someone who makes your skin crawl or smells bad

35) Do you believe in true love?
I'm not sure there is a difference between love and true love

36) Did you talk to anybody random yesterday?
ummm yes

37) Did any particular thing brighten up your day yesterday?
I don't think so

38) What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?
dated someone before getting to know him... don't do it

40) When was the last time you went ice skating?
can't remember

41) Has your favorite color ever been pink or blue?
don't think so, perhaps blue

42) Your team loses; are you watching the next game?
i don't know who my team is so no

43) Who was the last person you hugged?
Richard... then i grabbed his ass b/c i know it makes him uncomfortable lol

44) What was the last thing that made you smile?
talking to Sean

45) Someone trips in front of you-what do you do?
laugh then make sure they're ok if they hit the ground

46) Have you ever failed a class?
in middle school

47) A person says they like you-you say:
In what way?

48) Do you like cuddling?
Yes and i miss it *pout*

49) Are you close to your parents?
yeah

50) Do you go hunting?
no

51) Your friend's pregnant-you say?
who's the dad? Are you keeping it?

52) What's your favorite sport?
hockey

53) Do you like to run?
hell no

54) Do you plan on dressing up for Halloween next year?
a gothic school girl

55) Beach, Lake or Mountains?
beach
----------
Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
Sean

Who do you blame for your mood today?
myself

Have you ever seen a dead body?
Yes

What was the first thing you did this morning?
hit the snooze button

Last person you went out to dinner with?
not at school probably my mom and Sean

Are you spoiled?
yes

Do you drink lots of water?
no

What toothpaste do you use?
minty kind

When was the last time you threw up?
when i had food poisoning

Is your best friend a virgin?
nope

What theme does your room have?
circles

When was the last time you were at a party?
i went to a sushi party on friday

Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?
more mama i think but they both like me

What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year?
i'll be at school it hink

Number of layers on your bed?
sheet, comforter

Is anything alive in your room?
me...

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
forward

What are you looking forward to right now?
my bf coming on friday

Aside from Driver's Ed, who really taught you how to drive?
my dad

What's the one thing you love/miss about your Grandma's cooking?
she's not a really good cook honestly my mom is better

What was the last high school/college project you did?
i dont know

As a kid, who was the first -famous death- you remember hearing about?
Princess Di

What kind of music did your parent's listen to while u were growing up?
classics ie Abba, Queen, beetles, simon and garfunkle, temptations

Who taught you to tie your shoes?
a kid at school

Where did you go on your first official date?
went to a movie then fooled around afterwards... i had some catching up to do

When you cruised the strip... who were you usually with?
the strip? is that the mall? my mom or Sean

Who is your Strangest Relative and why?
my uncle... he's just so awkward

What grade are you in?
freshman college

What color's your underwear?
black

Do you like Taylor Swift?
who?

What colors your toothbrush?
i dunno

Always wear matching socks?
yup

Have a favorite scent?
perfume wise moon lit path from bath and body works but i'm thinking about switching to honey suckle and i love the way my bf smells... mmmmm man

Favorite random lyric:
"it takes silence to make sound" that's the only one i can think of right now

Do you ride the school bus?
nope

Like spaghetti?
yes

Ever failed at anything?
yep

How tall are you?
4' 11.75"

How tall is your mom?
5' 4"

Are you a good public speaker?
yes

Do you drink soda?
yes

What color are the pants your wearing?
no pants

Your random favorite song of the day?
dunno

Is it color, or colour?
color

Are you crushing right now?
lol i'm head over heals about a certain someone

Ever took a roadtrip?
unfortunatly

Care to take one?
no

What are your initials?
ADM

When was the last time you were drunk?
Never

Last time you farted?
... dunno

What color is the wall, directly in front of you?
white

Are you a sucker for babies, puppies, or kittens?
yes more so the animals

Ever petted a llama?
Yep

What do you think of Orlando Bloom?
he's pretty yummy

Are you easily jealous of others?
only skinny ppl

What's your favorite tradition?
dunno

Last hotel you stayed in?
dunno... travellodge?

How many states/provinces have you been to?
several

Do you have any scars?
many

Is your left index finger shorter or longer than your ring finger?
yes

Do you know how to swim?
yes

What's your proudest accomplishment?
straight As freshman semester

What would your last meal be?
um gross cafeteria food

What is your computer desktop/ cellphone wallpaper of?
a field of pink and white flowers/ me and Sean sitting on the couch

Do you shop at value village?
where?

Do you cry during sad movies?
if i'm alone yes

Do you recycle?
not really

How about compost?
nope

Hide and seek, or tag?
Hide and seek.

Do your parents approve of your friends?
yep

What's your curfew?
i don't have one

Who's in your profile picture?
on lj no one on facebook me my niece and my nephew

Do you believe in wishing on a shooting star?
kinda

Describe your dream home:
A nice cozy house nothing too fancy and more suburbia i guess

What would you do if your parents forbid you to marry the one you love?
ignore them and marry them anyway

What's your views on gay rights?
They should be respected

Would you like your muffin buttered?
yes

Ever been pulled over by the cops?
yup

Ever been de-pantsed?
no

Do you wear a watch?
rarely

First thing you would buy if you won the lottery?
my college tuition, and then a house then set my parents up for life

Scary movies or funny movies?
funny

Do you dream in color?
yes

Given the chance, would you chase a tornado?
probably not

Have you ever been shot?
no

How many letters are in your first name?
5

What song are you listening to right now?
none

How do you feel about your eyebrows?
a little thin but they're filling out

Where's one place you've always wanted to go?
Germany again

And the one thing you MUST do before you die?
Be totally and completely in love and be loved in return

Wow its been a long time. Sorry about that. Things have just been crazy busy. I've either been too busy or not in the mood. Right now i'm probably too busy, but oh well it gives me something to do besides homework and mope about not seeing Sean. Well, life...

School: Classes are going well, they're kind of stressful i'm worried about my relationship psych class grade its a low A now and to keep it an A i need to get at least a 93% or so on my final exam. Hmm everything else is ok i think. I have a B in piano, but i'm sure i'll be able to bring that up. Classes are getting really stressful because of play practice on top of everything else. I had a little bit of a break down in my piano lesson last week my teacher was really understanding though she said i only had to learn the white key minor scales which is wonderful. hmm Experimental psych is total BS she never teaches i really hate going. i feel like i've learned nothing. My english class is great. I feel like i'm learning so much and my writing is improving with each paper, i'm just worried about getting my next one in on time. Also there is the rooming issue. I was really wanting a single room, but even though i was first in line for rising freshmen to apply for rooms none were left so i may end up being with a girl named Jenny, who i met today and she seems really sweet. But i applied to be a mentor and if that works out then i will have my single yay!

The Play: I love the play its really amazing. I have an amazing character (Joanna) I have an affair, i have a crying seen, i go crazy. I'm super excited, but i can not wait for it to be over. This thing has caused so much stress. We had to replace a major character several weeks in, and the set has only just been finished and we're almost done with costumes... and the play starts Thursday. As of late i have been starting at 6 and not getting done til 10:30 so i have very little time to relax during the day b/c i'm doing the hw i normally do at night, and on top of that because i don't get out til 10:30pm Sean and i only get to talk for a half hour or so and that's really brutal, but i'll talk more about that later. I love the people i'm working with they're so funny and we laugh a lot and talk about sex a lot so its a lot of fun. I'm really a theater person at heart, but never had the chance to show it til recently. Joanna's really a "prove yourself" role. Overall i'm super excited about the play but at the same time it needs to die.

Friends: Not too much going on here, i haven't had much time to talk with anyone. Josh Atkins a friend here gets a little too cuddley with me sometimes, which makes me feel a little awkward, but he's a really sweet guy... what else is wierd is that he reminds me a whole lot of TJ... Yeah... anyways. Shawn is doing well, he broke up w/ Ace and is dating... Lauren... or perhaps is Laura... i can never remember, but he's happy and i'm really glad. Otherwise nothing much is new.

Love life: well Sean and i are still going strong... oh and on good friday (March 21, 2008) Sean came up to visit and we made love for the first time. It was so sweet it might have been a little better if i hadn't given him 3 blowjobs earlier that day, but it was still wonderful, there was no pain and i didn't cum, but it was really all i wanted it to be. I have no regrets, but it makes being away from each other all the harder. Its a very rare occasion when i don't cry when i have to leave him to go back to school on the weekends. He's the really the most wonderful guy i could ever ask for. He's always so concerned about me but not in a creepy smothering kind of way. He always makes me feel loved, and when he does mess up, usually by saying something with completely thinking it through first, it always feel horrible about it and tries to make amends. I honestly even though i may flirt or eyeball other guys i can not see myself dating anyone else. He's all i could ever ask for in a boyfriend... well and still expect him to be straight lol. Although this play has really been making things rough though. I haven't been able to come in town because of it and recitals for my music scholarship/degree, and i feel like i'm neglecting him, and it makes me really not want to do plays next semester, but he assures me that its ok and he knows how much i love it, but from now on i think i'm going to write that i only want to be in the plays if i have a decent role, oh and i'm going to read them to make sure they're worth while. Well more about my new sex life because i'm sure you all want to know more. Well my fav position so far is me on top. we do it when we can but we still make sure to cuddle and such so its not all about the sex. Hmmmm we haven't really done anything exciting, we've been trying new positions, rear entry doesn't really work for us. perhaps i'm just a little too bootylicious. And oddly i've noticed now that i've started to have sex my orgasms when i masturbate are a lot more intense... perhaps because i'm associating my dildo with what i've been doing w/ Sean now, but i really couldn't say way. I told my mom... through email of course and she was really understanding which i'm glad that could have been really awkward. Hmm i'm not sure what else to say about it. Ask questions if you want to know more, i'd be glad to tell all.

Someone also commented that they read my lj for romance ideas... i think that's kind of funny because i never really considered myself romantic. Sean does do romantic things though he buys me random things that are really sweet (against my will of course) like he bought me this framed mantra ish thing that talks about how cancer doesn't lessen you it just makes you stronger... i'm summarizing i'll post it later. Otherwise we really don't do much else, we like to just walk around the mall and hang out. Going out to public places really brings out a different side of the relationship perhaps it plays on the i want to show my partner off but i really enjoy it we always have a lot of fun plus it sparks a lot of conversation. We also just like to sit and relax watch a movie i really enjoy that because we just get to cuddle and enjoy each other's company not to mention its a prime opportunity to do cruel destracting manuvers ie Biting the other person's neck or sliding your hand under their clothes. Also we're planning fun little dates for the summer, like the science center, the zoo the art museum, the sculpture park etc etc. otherwise I don't know what else to say about this subject ... hm i'll think about it...

Misc: I've been having emotional problems lately. I cry a lot and i got really depressed like last saturday like suicidal thoughts depressed (i would never do anything though i'm too prideful for that). I talked w/ Sean, of course leaving the suicidal part out, and he really helped make me feel happy. Keeping busy really helps though, but maybe its not helping, but just masking the problem... oh well it's probably just stress anyway (it was after my mom, dad, aunt and bro had come to visit me... it was really quite horrible). I get along great with my sister we really bonded over the losing my virginity thing. hmmm what else oh and my mother expects me to take a placement math test sometime this week and find out about storage units for my things. Like i needed more of the stress, i think i may just take the math class next summer, i am already taking History and a gym class. Plus i don't have a calculator except the one that's on my desk top on the computer. My diet didn't work so i'm just going to wait til summer, but i feel so fat and huge and ugly right now. OH and i'm freaking HOT!!! I don't have an air conditioner for my dorm so i'm not very comfortable, oh also i found my prom dress i'm so excited i can't wait to see Sean's face... well that's about all i can think of...

Hmmm well That's about it as far as what's going on lately. I'll try and be more consistant with my entries, i'm done with classes on the 10th so perhaps that'll actually be possible.

Til next time
Lani

Don't worry guys i will write an actual entry when i'm done with all my stress here at school. But first... a survey because it helps me wind down.

200: My middle name is: Alana
199: I was born in: November
198: I am really: stressed out!
197: My cell phone company is: ummm verizon wireless
196: My eye color is: dark brown
195: My shoe size is: 7-7.5
194: My ring size is: 7 or 8
193: My height is: 4' 11.75"
192: I am allergic to: mornings and mold
191: My 1st car was: acutually it still is my 97 blue Malibu
190: My 1st job was: Fox club hostess
189: Last book you read: The Hunger, a vampire romance novel i highly recommend it
188: My bed is: not as comfy as my bed at home
187: My pet: died a week and a half after my bday, but we currently are taking care of a giant schounser that bit me
186: My best friend: is very interesting
185: My favorite shampoo is: Mop Top
184: AIM name: musikeringottin
183: Piggy Banks are: useless
182: In my pockets: chapstick, phone and pencil
181: On my calendar: practices and recitals
180: Marriage is: a way to ruin a good relationship
179: Sponge Bob can: make ppl laugh?
178: My mom: high strung but over all a good mom
177: The last three cd's I bought were: Hmmm i have no idea
176: Last YouTube video watched: Dona Nobis Pacem b/c i have to do it for Aural Skills
175: How many cousins do you have? several
174: Do you have any siblings: yes big sis, little bro
173: Are your parents divorced: yup
172: Are you taller than your mom? nope
171: Do you play an instrument? yes, piano and a little guitar
170: What did you do yesterday: tried not to have another mental break down
I Believe In: the fact that you can accomplish what you put your mind to
169: Love at first sight: doesn't exist
168: Luck: would be wonderful to have more of
167: Fate: eh not really
166: Yourself: not as often as i should
165: Aliens: yes
164: Heaven: maybe, i need proof
163: Hell: see heaven
162: God: see hell
161: Horoscopes: are really just for fun
160: Soul mates: eh kinda, but not quite
159: Ghosts: see god
158: Gay Marriage: should be made legal
157: War: is a man's invention
156: Orbs: see Ghosts
155: Magic: is fun to watch
154: Hugs or Kisses: both at the same time
153: Drunk or High: both are idiotic
152: Phone or Online: depends on who it is, for Sean phone, everyone else online is fine
151: Red heads or Black haired: red is more exotic
150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes
149: Hot or cold: hot
148: Summer or winter: summer
147: Autumn or Spring: i'm not sure perhaps Autumn but i'm happy w/ both
146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
145: Night or Day: night
144: Oranges or Apples: apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: curly
142: McDonalds or Burger King: BK
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk chocolate
140: Mac or PC: PC
139: Flip flops or high heals: high heels
138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor: ugly and rich, you can pay to make yourself look good
137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
136: Hillary or Obama: OBAMA
135: Burried or cremated: cremation
134: Singing or Dancing: singing
133: Coach or Chanel: neither
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who?
131: Small town or Big city: big city
130: Wal-Mart or Target: target
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam sandler
128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure
127: East Coast or West Coast: don't know
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate
124: Disney or Six Flags: neither
123: Yankees or Red Soxs: Neither
Here's What I Think About
122: War: is stupid
121: George Bush: is an idiot
120: Gay Marriage: should have been legal all along
119: The presidential election: should be taken more seriously than it is, thus the election of Bush
118: Abortion: should be a woman's choice
117: MySpace: is over rated
116: Reality TV: ok sometimes
115: Parents: need to be less controling as their kids get older starting at like 16
114: Back stabbers: everyone knows one
113: Ebay: is ok
112: Sex: is not taken as seriously as it should be
111: Work: is helpful when wanting money
110: My Neighbors: are noisey
109: Gas Prices: are too high
108: Designer Clothes: are overrated/too expensive
107: College: stressful, but worth it... i think
106: Sports: are boring
105: My family: stresses me out
104: The future:is what i'm working towards
103: Hugged someone: not today
102: Last time you ate: fifteen minutes ago
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: nope
100: Cried in front of someone: no
99: Went to a movie theater: i don't remember
98: Took a vacation: last summer
97: Swam in a pool: last summer
96: Changed a diaper: don't remember
95: Got my nails done: i do my own nails
94: Went to a wedding: its been a while
93: Broke a bone: 3rd grade
92: Got a piercing: high school
91: Broke the law: never i think
90: Texted: about an hour ago
MISC
89: Who makes you laugh the most: Sean
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Sean
87: The last movie I saw: Spaceballs
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: summer and seeing Sean
85: The thing im not looking forward to: school
84: People call me: Alana
83: The most difficult thing to do is: find enough time for sleep
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
81: My zodiac sign is: scorpio
80: The first person i talked to today was: Lunch Lady i think
79: First time you had a crush: preschool, his name is Jeremy Marshall
78: The one person who i can't hide things from: Sean
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: dunno
76: Right now I am talking to: no one
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be a psychology and opera singer
74: I have/will get a job: yes
73: Tomorrow: is hopefully going to be wonderful
72: Today: was long and exhausting
71: Next Summer: home
70: Next Weekend: Fayette
69: I have these pets: none
68: The worst sound in the world: alarm clocks/fork or knife on a glass plate
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Sean, but only because i miss him so much
66: People that make you happy: Sean, Shawn on the most part
65: Last time I cried: ummm tuesday night
64: My friends are: good
63: My computer is: handy
62: My School: is stressful and dinky
61: My Car: is something i couldn't live without
60: I lose all respect for people who: insult others for no reason
59: The movie I cried at was: um don't remember i cried during the play/musical Call of the wild though
58: Your hair color is: dark brown
57: TV shows you watch: Iron Chef, Good Eats, What not to Wear, Law and Order, Project Runway, Top Chef, Stargate, Stand up comedy, interesting things on discovery
56: Favorite web site: facebook, addictinggames.com, redtube, youporn lol hmm thats it i think
55: Your dream vacation: a cruise with my lover
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: something that never made me sob as much as the emotional pains do
53: How do you like your steak cooked: well done
52: My room is: messy
51: My favorite celebrity is: dunno
50: Where would you like to be: with Sean
49: Do you want children: no
48: Ever been in love: yup
47: Whos your best friend: Shawn
46: More guy friends or girl friends: at home guys, here girls
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: sleep!
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Sean
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: graduate, go to grad school
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope
41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda, but i don't want any
40: Last person I got mad at: probably James
39: I would like to move to: somewhere warm
38: I wish I was a professional: opera singer/actor
My Favorites
37: Candy: chocolate
36: Vehicle: car
35: President: dunno
34: State visited: dunno
33: Cell Phone Provider: verizon
32: Athlete: i dunno
31: Actor: dunno
30: Actress: Angelina Jole
29: Singer: KT Tunstall
28: Band: Evanescence
27: Clothing Store: Ones that have clothes that make me look good in, probably torrid
26: Grocery Store: Schnucks
25: TV show: Good Eats
24: Movie: V for Vendetta
23: Website: dunno
22: Animal: dunno
21: Theme Park: not a fan
20: Holiday: Halloween
19: Sport to watch: none
18: Sport to play: Frisbee
17: Magazine: cosmo
16: Book: dunno
15: Day of the week: Saturday
14: Beach: dont have a favorite
13: Concert Attended: Evanescence
12: Thing to cook: Dessert
11: Food: italian
10: Restaurant: Dunno
9: Radio Station: 98.1 probably
8: Yankee Candle scent: Coffee scent is wonderful
7: Perfume: Moonlit Path and Chinese Rain
6: Flower: Forget Me Not and baby's breath
5: Color: Purple
4: Talk Show host: Operah
3: Comedian: Robin Williams
2: Dog Breed: dachsund
1: Are you ready for this survey to be over? yup

Well since all i was doing was read diet stuff and watching tv when an email requesting an update arrived i decided to post something.

Probably my most traumatic event that happened since my last entry that i have had the heart to write about was on November 27th i believe, 10 days after my 19th bday. I was sitting in the coffee house and my mom called me around 10:30 which was strange, so i answered it and to make a long and painful story short she said, "Cindy died." Cindy, my 18 year old dog, the one i've had since i was 1, if you have read previous entries you'll have seen when TJ and i were dating there was an event when my parents tried to convince me to put her down, which resulted in a break down. God it still hurts to think about it, for christmas i recieved 2 framed pictures of her, one of which i drew myself. I almost cried when i recieved a picture of her when she was younger and less pathetic looking. Feeling this grief makes me definently hesitate buying another pet in the future.

Aside from that depressing bit, the end of the school year went very well. I got As in all of my classes except for my pass/fail course which i got a P for pass in lol. I'm greatly looking forward to next semester i only have 10 classes, compared to last semesters 13. And i'm doing the opera(3rd quarter) and the play house and garden(4th quarter). The classes i'll be taking next semester are: Theory I, Freshman survival skills part 2, Experimental Psych, A Cappella Choir, College Comp, Aural Skills, Applied Voice, Applied Piano, Recitals, and Opera Ensemble. Also i plan on starting a diet which i go back.

Another issue, i've of course been dealing with, but more so as of late, is my weight. I have gotten into a horrible habit of snacking before i go to bed (from 12-3) since i've come home for the break. SO much so that i have gained 5 pounds since i've come home making my weight currently 180 from the 175 i had managed to maintain since summer of 06. *sigh* 5 pounds doesn't sound like much but it is a total blow to my self esteem and i can see the weight in my face. And i feel like my stomach is huge! This has definently gotten me pumped to tackle losing weight again. I plan on exercising at school in the gym as often as possible, i'll even write it down in my planner and on my door schedule. I think i'm going to try and avoid eating in the cafeteria since they don't provide any form of healthy protein and i'll be too tempted to stray should i be tempted with fried foods and all their deserts. I'm going to have to figure out what snacks i'm going to eat throughout the day b/c w/ my last diet i burned myself out on granola bars. So if anyone has any ideas or personal weight loss tips please feel free to share.

Now for the topic most ppl read my lj for is my relationship/sex life. After the rocky time i had with Sean during thanksgiving break, things couldn't be any better. One of the days of the last play (which went well for me [as the pre show entertainment] but got really bad reviews from friends and family) We spent the night in the on campus hotel aka givens hall/white house/alumni house. We had fun in the shower and it was so intimate and just simply wonderful kissing tenderly under the water and holding each other close, it felt so perfect it would have been a wonderful time to lose my virginity, but of course my period decided to show up so sadly that didn't happen, but we did have a wonderful time. Now that i've been back Sean's been wonderfully sweet. HE makes me feel beyond wonderful and not just b/c of the physical stuff. But don't get me wrong that is amazing! There was one day where he fingered me to the extent that i was thrashing around, clinging to him and talking dirtier than i ever have (the hornier/more turned on i am the dirtier i talk). Last wednesday before he went back to school he was using my toy on me and gave me a g spot orgasm which shockingly caused me to have a female ejaculation! I didn't know i could do that. It wasn't like how it is on some porn clips titled "squirting" where it looks like a fire hose. I'm no where near that, thank god, but i did leave quite a wet spot on his bed which i was a little embarrassed about, plus i felt bad that i made his bed wet. But he insisted that he didn't care and thought it was hot. He's really seemed focused on my physical satisfaction lately which attracts me to him even more. Oh! and he made me cum with oral for the first time. Hm that doesn't seem quite clear, i mean i have cum before with oral sex, but that was the first time he has made me cum going down on me. Although its kind of strange, when he fingers me like he has been my orgasms haven't been as deep as they normally are, its kind of more of a emotional/psychological satisfaction i think, i mean of course its physically satisfying to some extent, but he can't sustain the speed or intensity for very long b/c its too strenuous for his hand/arm, which i'm fine with but its been a long time since i've had a really deep orgasm.

As far as the emotional aspect of our relationship goes i couldn't be happier, he's so careful to keep me happy. He's the complete gentleman. If this is any clue, his new year's resolution is to be a better bf to me. He constantly tells me i'm beautiful, which especially as of late i fine hard to believe or when i had my wisdom teeth surgically removed about a week after i came home(that definently was not fun), he insisted i was still beautiful. I am so grateful to have him in my life he makes me so happy, but it makes me so sad having to leave him to go back to school, i had a mini break down today which left me crying a little bit, luckily i was able to keep the tears back while he drove me home and while he asked me what was wrong, but i couldn't help but cry a little while we talked on the phone. When i think about the future, i could definently see myself with him in the future, for a really long time he just always seems so willing to do anything i asked or something that he knows i would appreciate or would make me happy. It sort of scares me loving someone this much, some nights i imagine him leaving my life or not being there and it brings me to tears. I'm so afraid of losing someone so very close to me. I hate having to leave him to go to school heck i hate leaving him due to his curfew (yes he still has a curfew *sigh*) As far as losing my virginity goes, i know if we have a situation like we did at school in the Alumni house i will feel more than ready, but right now it makes me a little anxious. lol it might help if he makes me unbareably horny too. Well that's all i can think of to talk about for now -Lani

PS Another fun thing i forgot to mention on New Year's we convinced his parents to let him spend the night, nothing to extravagant happened, we of course fooled around, but not a whole lot since it was late and we were both tired, not to mention he and i had fooled around at other points during the day

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
Nope

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?
about 8 months

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?
um lunch from my friend Gina

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?
oh yeah

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
God who knows

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?
food, medicine, clothes

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?
chocolate covered peanuts

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
how they treat me

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?
i have several i like to listen to

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Saint Lousi MO, but i'm currently in Fayette MO

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:
Kirkwood HS

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:
Verizon

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:
Stores that carry my size well actually that's a love/hate relationship

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:
few months, i've only had one, i was a Fox Club Theatre hostess

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?
yes in my backgammon set

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:
no i think that's immature

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:
My sister's i believe

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:
My bf Sean

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:
too long ago

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:
That's a toughie

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:
"You're not fat" (can you tell i'm in a mild self-hate/depressed/i'm a fat-ass mood?)

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
St Louis Bread Company mmmmm

24. CAN YOU COOK?
i'm sure i could if i tried

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:
97 Malibu

26. BEST KISSER:
Probably Mitch, but its been a while

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:
Last night, and i almost did again about a half hour ago

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:
sour/spicy/bitter

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
my hair and voice

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:
number one at the moment my weight

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:
9 or 10 hours i think

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?
chocolate as of late

34. CAN YOU SING?
yes

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?
don't remember

36. LAST KISS?
too long ago, like 3 days or so

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:
Next

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
my wallet and keys

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:
Laptop

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
Robin Williams

45.ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH ANYONE?
yes

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?
without

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:
no one

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:
yes as long as you are able to see them every so often

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
um, once i think

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?
pancakes

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:
not really

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
fried or poached

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:
it works for some ppl, it fits me perfectly

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:
Chrissy

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:
Dora

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?
I don't remember

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:
Two that go under my head one that goes over one long body pillow and one that i sometimes put between my legs then i have a few more on the top bunk

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:
jeans slip on shoes and my pj shirt

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:
"like a virgin"

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:
grape

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:
sorta

63. CAN YOU SWIM?
yes

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:
Rocky Road

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?
yes

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:
i survived cancer, and i'm a fatass

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:
no

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON
fall or spring

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?
i don't remember

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?
9:30ish

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:
hot chocolate and fires

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?
Never

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:
Cindy *whimpers*

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:
don't have an opinion

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?
the play recitals sleep, hopefully

78. BIRTHDATE
Nov 17

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:
An opera singer and relationship therapist

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:
yes

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:
no

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW
Yes... a lot

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?
home

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:
nope

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:
i'm in love w/ someone

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?
Rhapsody and Matteo

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:
hot pink, black and green floral

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:
yeah

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:
no

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:
i wish

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER
yes

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:
up three flights

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:
yes

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?
oh yeah

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?
yes

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?
one earring and a ring

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
go practice w/ Chrissy

1. Did you just wake up?
nope about ready for bed actually

2. Whose car were you in last?
Mine

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?
tomorrow

4. What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue

5. How long is your hair?
almost to my bra band

8. Last movie you watched?
ummmmmmmmm i dont remember

19. How was your weekend?
pretty good

20. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
hmm a while ago

21. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
The stress of school and my lack of sex drive

22. What are you listening to?
my dog snoring

23. Are you excited?
not really

24. What is your favorite store?
not sure

25. What day is it today?
its been monday for about 19 minutes

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
cuddling w/ Sean

30. Are you left-handed?
Nope

32. What's for dinner tonight?
Chicken wraps

33. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
never had any

34. When is your birthday?
two days ago lol on the 17th

35. How tall are you?
4' 11.75"

36. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Brittany

37. When was the last time you were in a swimming pool?
a while ago

39. Where was the last place you went shopping?
saturday evening

40. Who made you laugh today?
my dad, sean, mom

41. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
yes

42. AIM or MSN?
AIM only b/c more ppl are on it

43. Where do your cousins live?
all over the place

47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
one older half bro, one older sis, one younger bro

48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
Yes

49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?
hehe i can roll over and go back to sleep

50. Do you drink beer?
No

52. Myspace or Facebook?
Facebook

53. Do you have T-Mobile?
I used to but it doesn't work in Fayette

54. What is your favorite subject in school?
ummmmm not sure

55. Do you smile a lot?
when i'm w/ sean yes

57. Do you have any talents?
i sing, play piano,

58. Have you ever been IN a wedding?
yes

59. Do you have any children?
No and don't want any

60. Did you take a nap today?
nope

61. Ever met someone famous?
not really

63. Do you want to be famous one day?
yes

65. Are you multitasking right now?
no

68. What's one of your favorite things to do?
sleep and be w/ sean

72. Ever been to Las Vegas?
No

73. What are you doing today?
sleeping visiting the high school

74. Have you ever gambled?
nope

75. When is the last time you updated your blog?
today

76. Have you been to New York City?
nope

77. Ever been to Disneyland/World?
yep

78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
that's a toughie Jasmine, Belle, Ariel or Mulan

79. Last thing you cooked?
um... i dunno

82. Last time you cried?
few days ago

83. Last time you were sick?
not too long ago

84. Do you like anyone right now?
Yes

85. Do you think anyone will repost this?
perhaps

20 deep questions that will really tell you something.

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Oddly i have a hard time looking into someone's eyes when they're telling me how they feel, i wonder why

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. Why were you angry?

The last time i was really angry was when i made several stupid mistakes on an exam that could have easily been fixed. GRRRRR

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?

Probably Sean. I'd need to hear someone tell me they loved me one last time

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (2) What do you do with your remaining days? (3) Would you be afraid?

1) I'd probably have to believe it myself first before i told other ppl, but then i would
2) Be with the people i love
3) at first probably yes but death is apart of life, i've faced it once before and have oddly accepted that part of life

5. You can have one of the following two things- trust/love. Which do you choose?

Trust, how could you truely love someone w/o trusting them?

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. Do you save the dog?

Hell yes!

7. You are unfaithful to your boyfriend/girlfriend. ..Do you tell him/her?

Yes because i could live with the guilt and they deserve to know so they can decide if they are still willing to be w/ me

8. If you could go back and be with your first love, would you?

I've thought i was in love in the past, but they all pale in comparison to how i feel w/ Sean so, i am still w/ my first love

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

Probably not, his quality of life at the end was not worth living another year for, but could i bring him back completely healthy for one year, i would do it

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?

Yes

11. Does love = sex?

no love = friendship, trust, and lust

12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?

If i was in a stable living condition then yes i would

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you feel?

does i love you count? if so then yesterday

14. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or tell them you hate them?

love them

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give
up?

food indulgences

16. Excluding family love, when was the last time you told someone you love them?

yesterday

17. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

i'm pretty happy w/ my life. but perhaps asking Dr. Hamel to read the letter i wrote to Dr. Drummond for me so i know he know how influential he was in my life

18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside. What are you doing?

watching tv or sleeping

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying

yes

20. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?

Know that i'm on the right path for my future

Well on my bday, Sean and i hung out like all day, he came over a little afternoon, and we went and got lunch, then we came back to my mom's house and hung out in my room and he teased me determined to make me desperate by the end of dinner, but its been so strange i just haven't had the sex drive i normally have. I don't get as wet as i normally do and sometimes even the thought of fooling around bugs me, ie friday night Sean came over (he gave me a warm fuzzy blanket AW!) and i just really didn't feel like fooling around, but he managed to get me in the mood. But its sad b/c before he never really needed to get me in the mood, i'm blaming stress. Also the past few days i had been feeling kind of anxious about the whole losing my virginity thing, so i brought it up to him and he said he was feeling the same way too so we decided to wait a bit longer til when it felt better. Well anyways we went shopping at Fashion bug and i got a few coats, a pair of jeans, a shirt and these most awesome black knee high boots EVER! Well we went to dinner at the olive garden and i got this Venetian Apricot Chicken and it was so amazing and i got an adorable new dress and many other cute things. Well after dinner we went back to my room and had quite the time, involving him fingering me like 4-5 times and him going down on me, and i made him cum with my mouth for the first time which was fun, i'm not a fan of the taste though sadly. Oh and i was so embarrassed! At one time he fingered me from behind so it felt like doggy style and it felt amazing, but of course when he's doing that he's pushing air into my pussy and afterwards i sat down on the bed and my pussy made this loud popping noise like i had farted, he started laughing and god i was so embarrassed, but he reassured me that it was ok and tried to lay on top of me but i tried pushing him away, but that didn't work so i managed to get my feet up against his chest where i could easily keep him off of me... til he started fingering me again from that position lol again very fun but by then he had made my pussy tender lol. I really had a lot of fun, but i'm just not having orgasms like i used to, they're not strong and they're barely satisfying *Sigh* i want a mind blowing body melting orgasm oh well perhaps i'll make him use my toy on me next time lol. Well today i hung out w/ my dad, and practiced guitar, and tomorrow i'm going to the high school then i'm going to hang out w/ sean for a little bit, then tuesday i'm hanging out w/ him for a while then i know Wednesday i'm going to hang out w/ Gina and go to cheaptrx then go to the chili cook off w/ sean, even though i don't like chili lol its a reason to hang out w/ him. Well that's my plans so far. That's all for now -Lani

: 1. Hot Chocolate or apple cider?
Hot chocolate all the way

2. Turkey or Ham?
Turkey

3. Do you get a Fake or Real Cut-It-Yourself Christmas tree?
fake

4. Decorations on the outside of your house?
too much work

5. Snowball fights or sledding?
oooh toughie, sledding

6. Do you like hanging around the fireplace because it's warm?
lol yes and i love to look at the fire and cuddle w/ someone special

7. Do you enjoy going downtown shopping?
eh, too crowded

8. Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells, Mary did you know

10. How do you feel about Christmas movies?
kinda cheesey

11. When is it too early to start listening to Christmas music?
before thanksgiving

12. Stockings before or after presents?
after

13. Carolers, do you or do you not watch and listen to them?
i usually am them

14. Go to someone elses house or they come to you?
Aunts house

15. Do you read the Christmas Story?
no

16. What do you do after presents and dinner?
chill

17. What is your favorite holiday smell?
Cookies, pie and christmas tree

18. Ice skating or walking around the mall?
i'm not a fan of being cold so probably walking around the mall

19. Favorite Christmas memory?
no sure, probably the year i got to be in the friends of kids w/ cancer fashion show

20. Favorite part about winter?
hot chocolate and being cozy and warm in front of a fire, not to mention xmas break

21. Ever been kissed under mistletoe?
No sadly, but that'd be uber hot